Thursday, July 1, 2010
Advice needed
When I am not over busy, I think - maybe this is why I stay so busy, to avoid my dark thoughts. And what I sometimes think about is what I am not happy with. And Facebook doesn't help, it makes my dark thoughts worse. Most people think I am easy-going and full of grace (at least I think they do). But sometimes I wonder if this is all an act? You see, what I have come to realize more and more over the years is that I struggle with disappointment. With myself and with others. And it must be because I have expectations. Most people won't ever realize what disappoints me, but then I will hold onto it, like a wallet sized photo. And I may never say anything, but somehow I think it is there, hovering over the shoulder of my relationships. Why am I like this? How do I stop it? I really do not like it....and sometimes I even fool myself that I am not this way - that I am this easy going, "laissez faire" person....but really I think I have an idea in my head how I want things to go, how I want to people to respond or behave...and when it doesn't happen, which it often doesn't (because people are not puppets and I do not wish to control anyone or force anyone to do what I want. I dislike this quality of being controlling), then I get disappointed. How do I let go of my expectations? How do I not get offended when I feel someone has not been loyal enough, or kind enough, or, well the list goes on. The thing is I love people. I am a total people person. As I was sitting outside alone in the green, with the sun and the plants, I felt at peace....and yet I know the answer is not to withdraw, as often people do. But if I surround myself with people I know it is inevitable that I will be disappointed, for being human I know I disappoint. But how do I let it just slip off me and not fester? If you are reading this and have any advice please advise! Well, Happy Canada Day!
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I don't think you need advice from me- but as always I have some conversation to add. First off I understand expectations. I also understand that people can be so bitterly disappointing and a heartache.
ReplyDeleteI have a hate/ love relationship with relationships:) It's complicated. It's messy which makes life enriching, exciting, full of lessons and sometimes exhausting. How to let it slip off? Well, sometimes it needs to be confronted first. Either letting someone know how you feel or knowing triggers like facebook and deciding to eliminate the damaging effects from your life. Unfortunately this is hard to do because there is ALWAYS a reason to keep damaging things around.
Next I try to stop my negative diatribe in my head, step out of my colored perspective and see it from theirs. Maybe they are loving me their way and think I am disappointing them. It always can go the other way. Then I realize I can only control what I do- so I try harder. I try harder to love more unconditionally, to be the friend I would want them to be for me. I have to admit it rarely gets reciprocated the way one would hope. But you know what? I am finding when I look around at the broader scope of my life- someone else loved me the way I wanted - it just was not the person I wanted at the time.
When I see that- I feel fulfilled for a moment and try to concentrate on those tiny moments from the unexpected person. While I am doing that I make sure I am getting filled but I never expect perfection or anyone to be my best friend all the time. I used to but it was too hard.
I still get really hurt but it helps to have P and also S who are always there no matter what. Although conflict and disappointments still happen but they enable me to deal with other expectations better. Sometimes it takes bouncing it off others, while at other times it takes quiet reflection and allowing someone to just be because you would want them to let you just be you.
It really takes full concentration to decide to always HOPE, don't stop expecting. You expecting means that you have a belief in the good, the beautiful, the hope fulfilled. But stop taking it personally. Realize mostly it is universal. When it does get personal- confront the issue. Maybe there is something in your life you need to take the discipline to omit. Maybe there is an issue that needs to be out in the open for healing. Maybe another could benefit by you sharing your struggles with how they may sin against you. Life is in the growth.
I know all this because it takes knowing to be in the "going". Or it takes one to know one. I know all about idealizing. Expectations are a beautiful thing to have. People like us push the world to better things. But people like us also have to constantly push ourselves and search ourselves as well. We also need to just be... at times. I recently took a step back and it is just different problems... however, I am enjoying the little hibernation and I am finding myself less excited by new relationships. Which has NEVER happened to me. Sometimes I think we need to give ourself space and a break. I think to much too. Maybe the solution is there is no solution this side of the earth. Nothing that will be completely satisfying anyway. I am sorry it is so hard. It makes you want to weep right or throw something? It makes you think" I tried so hard- what is wrong with me that they do not want to give me the same consideration?" But here is one secret- those who dig deep into themselves find a constant friend and inspiration. they can learn to be a friend to themselves. You cannot love your neighbour as yourself it you do not have a knowing love of self. You have someone who is giving you some consideration- God gave you a voice to listen to, to go get the things that fill you and others, to hope for greater things. It is an intricate gift worth delving into- worth the darker thoughts and struggle of self.
Wishing you satisfying struggle then peace.
Sharing here is a peaceful way to write out everything, from thoughts to feelings, seeking counsel from friends. When sometimes spoken words can not portray what is really going on deep down.
ReplyDeleteAs you were sitting outside in the green, with the sun and the plants, you were not withdrawing, rather you were seeking the peace that you found. The song of our hearts as we were created to adore our Creator, is often Draw me close you. This is where we are alone with him, & He is blessing our hearts in the most creative individual ways, that only we know, because we literally feel it.
It's truly painful when you feel disappointment, when you feel rejection, when you feel failure. Heart pounding, numbing sensations, & trembling in your bones. I struggled with how feeling reverberated in myself for years, until someone who was very wise said; the only person needing to be loved right now by you is you, you were created to love and be loved, now it is time to love yourself for the lover you are. You see I had spent a lifetime feeling like a failure because if I was not accepted, by my family and friends it felt like it was my job to earn their acceptance.
I found hope in words, written to myself & said by myself, in times of solitude and peaceful retreats, even for a short time. As a wife and mom now, these times quiet my heart, & I enjoy watching the relationships within my family grow.
It is an incredible blessing to be alone (even for just a half hour), to hope, and to trust, because it is recharging for the rest of the day or the next encounter with anyone.
I understand what you're saying about people disappointing you - it's hard, and it's inevitable.
ReplyDeleteI think there is something to be said about being selective in relationships. Sometimes people try to form relationships with anyone and everyone and that guarantees more disappointment. Better to have a few true friends with whom you can be transparent, and with whom any disappointments can either be discussed or forgotten.
My advice would be, talk about the disappointments with the friends, if you think the relationship can handle it. And cull out the relationships that can't handle it, or in which the disappointment is too great to let go of. Spend your energies on the cream of the crop. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should not be friendly with everyone, just talking about the amount of investment...you only have so much time and energy...)
Love you, Lisa! You're a special person and don't you forget it!
Really I'm not disappointed in my good friends, I think it is often acquaintances and friends I am less close to that I feel disappointment. So maybe it is a sign to be friendly to them but not get too close? Though maybe I have less grace for them because I'm less invested? I guess I trust too easily and expect everyone has my best interest in mind - but that is not just so. And is it really betrayal on their part if they never were "commited" to the friendship anyway? - not really. So, I come to the place or realizing, I am too sensitive, I need to depend more on God, and I need to be less swayed by what I see and hear going on around me.
ReplyDeleteI love your easy trusting nature and eagerness to make friends in everyone. Lovely, I think. I think that truly the only way to shed the disappointment of unmet expectations is to realize all of the unmet expectations between God and us. How many times have I neglected Him and how many times has He still sought my out. A true example for our relationships here on earth.
ReplyDeleteAnd I loved what Alicia wrote.
Our lovedness comes not from others but from God's love of us.
Is that Sunday school answer enough for you? :)
And don't believe anything you read on Facebook. There is my practical advice.