Mika is now 9 years old....she is sleeping as I type this. She will wake up to balloons and streamers on her bed that weren't there when she went to bed. I remember her as a newborn and it just seems so weird that she is already 9.
I am the kind of parent that doesn't make a big deal of things.....she is a child that likes big deals....I was a child that felt not very special much of the time because my parents believed in not spoiling a child....so I try to go against my nature and make a big deal. Decorate, make her food requests, gifts, no school.... She is so different from me in many ways, especially as she grows I am aware of this. I used to think we were 2 peas in a pod. Now I know this is not true. In some ways her character is more like Martin's, except she is her own unique girl. I have loved discovering who she is becoming. I try not to set my own personality, ideals and expectations on her. I pray that she will find her way in life. That is so scary to trust God is paving a way for her that may include challenges. I just want to protect her from all harm and hurt, and yet I know I need to slowly let go and let her experience life, especially as she gets older.
Life has been so good lately. And spring is coming. But somehow I feel sad. I feel like there are friends I am losing. Friends who seem disinterested. Not for anything I have done or not done, but maybe they've discovered I am not as exciting as they once thought. And new people in my life that seem to not respond to my invitations. And Adriel has been going to his preschool for 2 years, and yet I don't feel as if I've really "connected" with anyone there. Why not? Sometimes I think I care too much. More than most people. And I wish I could just be laid back, too cool to care. But that's just not me. (I'm not cool - snicker!) I wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that turns people off? I just want a community of friends I'm tight with. Where I can just be me. That are family. I miss family.
Life is so good, and yet sometimes I feel so lost. Like I have no purpose here. I try to find purpose in raising my kids well and in being creative, but some days it seems not enough for my idealist tendencies.
I am reading an amazing book right now. It is called "the soloist". Well that's another entry that I'll write. Books, ahhh. They have become my family here. If it wasn't for books I don't know what I would have done.
I am thankful for these few friends that will read this, for I know you are true friends. Maybe all we need are a few good friends? A small family, not a big one.
This made me cry. I feel the same about Maya. How I used think she was just mini-me and I am struggling to know who she is. I need to let her spread her wings. I love you, Lisa. Happy birthday, Sweet Mika.
ReplyDeleteI love how you wear your heart on your sleeve, & as this was read I missed you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, dear Mika!
I feel exactly the same way. We are always so similar in our thoughts. I am always here. Unfortunately, since we are both similar , both of us are more spontaneous and do not initiate planned events BUT that does not mean I do not love you like my sister. You are my soul friend where I can always pick up where I left off. I feel I understand you more than most and you understand me. I treasure our bond even though it may be sparatic.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate spring- it is always when I feel that way too...lack of purpose...friendless...it tends to happen more in the spring...but it always gets better. Plus, we are just very creative sensitive idealists so we need to feel we are doing more for the world..and we need to feel immersed in creativity and deep heart to hearts. Books are my family too. Even having tons of family here does not really mean that I will feel like part of one. My friends are often my family and my books. You will always want more - so will I . Because idealists want more for the world. In a way it is a blessing but in another ( the downside) it has its curse. I understand the paradox and I get what you are going through. No you are not alone in your feelings. I love your soul and all that you are. REALLY.
Happy Bday Mika ( juils is really sick today.)
Hey, I finally got to read your blog, what a beautiful post! I totally feel that way about Kayla, her and I are so so so different... I often feel so very lost. Happy Birthday to Mika!!
ReplyDeleteLisa, you are also a *great* friend! You are someone I'm also so happy to see and I'm always glad after spending time with you. But it's interesting... I was just thinking last night how I really don't socialize anymore for the sake of socializing... not really at least. I tend to socialize where ever I'm bringing kids, etc... I'm not someone who's had a great social life most of my life, it just seems now with homeschooling and all the events that go with that, I'm so busy I can't even think straight. In the process, I have made friends though, which has been so awesome, you're one of them! Hey, you want to help plan some field trips? I always think you're so busy, that I often don't phone you about doing extra stuff... but I'm wanting to plan a trip to the creation science musuem and also we want to plan a homeschool year end party! Anyways, must run... gone for the weekend....
ps- I know this probably sounds silly, but these things matter to me... so. You know, behind you back, the talk? It's *always* good :) Any time I've heard anyone mention you :)
oh, and more.. thanks for the flowers, et all, I smile everytime I look at them!
I can relate to this post in so many ways. Having two girls that are mini-me's, yet completely opposite of each other most of the time. Finally, this year, I admitted to myself that I am far more like my dad than my mom. I find myself frustrated with him so many times, but then my mom and I always butted heads too. They were from a completely different generation than I was (so I thought) and now, here I am doing the same thing with another child. I will be the same age my mother was when she had me. A generation apart. I wonder how this child will respond to me? Life is changing more rapidly now than it ever has in history. I think we'll likely never truly understand each other, but I hope we'll be able to accept one another's differences. Sometimes I feel so close to my children and other times like nothing I do or say has any impact, so why bother? I have learned that life takes these curves from time to time and to realize it will straighten out again.
ReplyDeleteAs for your friendship, it has truly meant so much to me over the last few years. I don't feel pressured to be anything but myself with you. Take that as a compliment, because it's a rare gift you have to make others feel at ease! I love you and your heart for people. I hope not to be such a hermit over the summer, but as Sara L. said, all the time homeschooling and life in general seems to preclude socializing just for the sake of socializing! Once the end of June comes, and Emma's surgeries are figured out...hopefully there will be a bit of time to breathe before baby comes. I want to see you more, so let's try to make plans we can stick with! :)