Dear Abby

This will be a bit of a therapy Blog entry. A Dear Abby, if you like. I have mixed feelings about bearing my soul on a blog, but then what's the point of talking about fluff? So, here goes.
I was asked to dance, by the worship leader of my church, for the community Easter service. I have felt called to serve more and use my gifts, but I also feel I don't have any extra time or energy at this stage in my life. When I heard the songs, I was not the least bit inspired. So with my lack of time and lack of inspiration together, I was unsure of committing. Though I certainly didn't want to be selfish with my gifts. And then there was my flesh too. Part of the reason I would do it is to worship the Lord, (Confession coming - viewer discretion advised!) but there was another part that would do it to assert myself. To prove that I was a gifted worship dancer - and perhaps reclaim and build back some of what I lost when I had to walk away from the christian dance studio I was co-running. And so really, these are not good reasons to commit to something....and I was realizing that.
The other thing that bothered me was the lack of collaboration. I was presented with the music, told that I could choose between those already selected, given an idea even of what they envisioned (though they themselves have no dance experience). I have always felt, especially in a church setting, people should work with a sense of communion, giving and receiving, in a satisfying balance. But I have found often this does not occur. It becomes a hierarchy, which I believe is man-made and not the way God wants his church to function. It makes me not want to work with those in church when I encounter this. One of my pastors once said that boundaries are good. They are like riverbanks that help the water not spill over everywhere and give the water a sense of direction. This is true. But there are riverbanks, that allow the water to carve away small spots, and then there are brick walls that have no flexibility!
So as I was deliberating over whether to do this or not, with several calls pressuring me to make a decision, this leader ended up asking someone else. Now it serves me right. If I wanted to do it, I should have responded quickly. And really I am not upset I am not doing it. It is almost a relief. A burden lifted. But what bothers me, is that even though this leader knew that I had a falling out with this other dance teacher, they boldly informed me that they had asked this person and that this person had agreed to do it.
This leader is my church family. I wish they had been more sensitive to me and my experiences. This dance teacher wounded me deeply. I do not expect people not to associate with her but it would be nice if they didn't rub it in my face. Why is there so much insensitivity in the church? How can we get away with treating people like projects or just a means to the end?
I don't think God really cares about our ministries, or our services. I really don't. I think he cares about if we were Jesus to someone that day. Why do these things become God in the church? Does the worship team love worship more than God? Does the evangelist love evangelism more than God? Does the missionary love missions more than God?
I just wish people would think before they speak. And then if need be, backtrack! I have said things I regret. That were insensitive. But the Lord convicts me and makes me backtrack (usually!). This needs to be taught in the church. We talk about grace and forgiveness. But we don't talk about asking for forgiveness, apologizing, retribution. There is a huge hole in our understanding of relationships. We have cheap forgiveness and cheap love. How can you build a "family" on this?
Yes, God expects us to forgive others. But don't you think he also expects us to ask for forgiveness?